I'm tired of Defending what I've become

i want to believe in Love. I want to believe my husband is out there, but it's quite hard when everyone around you is getting engaged. I guess God is telling me that patience is key. That I need to trust him on this and actually give it to him. I just wish, I listened to him one before. I cannot believe I let the world influence me this time around. I'm not going to beat myself up about it, but i just wish I listened to God more than I have. I feel like i'm all alone in this mess. I feel like all my "friends" that once were are not there anymore. I need a vacation. I need to get away from a weekend without anyone knowing. I'm going to Pa next weekend to be with my aunt and cousins. Then for New Years, I'm heading to Chicago Illinois to be with my family out there. I just want to surround myself with my family. I feel like I'm loosing grip of everything I once knew. I guess it's one of those times where God decides to rip things out of you that will break you down instead of building you up. All I know is i want to start over. [: And I will. that's a promise